The first step towards changing my life was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had lived my life for so long for others, seeking their approval for everything I did that it left me broken, battered, severely depressed and wanting to disappear (my way of saying kill myself). The day I choose to make the call for help was the darkest day of my life. When I looked down at the floor that day and said to myself “This is what the end looks like” I knew that it was time, But I never knew that the end, meant my making the call for help and changing my life for the better.
Making that call was the most emotional, hardest thing I had ever done. Because I had to admit that I was not right, I had to admit that I was broken, that I was not normal. That the way I had been living for over 38 years was wrong. I had to admit and except that I was suffering from depression, anxiety and I really needed help in a major away. You see the only way we can truly help ourselves and show the most strength is to admit that we need help. Admit that we are human and realize that in doing so we are at the strongest point in our life. Why? Because you just took the biggest step!
No one is normal and no one is perfect. In fact the things that are not normal about us are the things that make us who we are each and everyone of us is unique in our own way.
I remember getting off the phone with my soon to be therapist that day and having a very sick feeling in my stomach I was going to walk into her office and I was going to talk for the first time in my life. What had I set in motion? What had I done to myself? I would now have to stop acting and actually be myself.
A smile came over my face and I then realized this is what it takes to make the change! This is actually what I have been waiting for my whole life! I will now be given the chance to be myself.
The next day I walked in to my 1st session, I sat down and my therapist Mastora, said to me with a smile “Tell me Darcy what brings you in to see me today?” I looked her in the eye and said, “I have been acting my whole life, never being myself, seeking approval from others and never succeeding at anything, I am a huge failure and I want to disappear” She looked me in the eye and said, “Darcy you are not a failure just showing up here today is proof of that.”
She went on to tell me that I have been putting all my emotion into a barrel, and that the barrel was filled to the top, and there was a beach ball being pressed down into the barrel and all my emotions were over flowing over the side out of control. She told me she was going to teach me to drain that barrel of emotion and I was going to start living life for myself… everyone deserves to be happy!
I believed her and I started therapy and my journey to finally being myself.
That first step - that moment in time is frozen in my memory. That moment when I look down at the tile floor in my office and thought to my myself this is it! This is the end and this is what it looks like…at that moment in time didn’t hesitate, I didn’t question if it was the right thing to do for the first time in my life acted with the most courage and strength I have ever felt, and said I need help and I am ready to except it and fully take on the journey I was about to undertake.
Doing so showed strength and courage and not weakness.
When we show that we are human and we need help it is the biggest sign of strength no matter how daunting and no matter how big the challenge. Being human shows us that we are all capable of doing truly incredible things. What makes us strong is accepting the help, accepting change and accepting that each and everyone of us deserves to be happy.
I took that big step and when I look back at it I still get the butterfly feeling in my stomach but now it is because I can’t wait to see what the future holds. If it wasn’t for that dark day when I realized that I had to make the call nothing that is happening in my life would be happening right now. I would still be acting and not being myself!! The darkest times can be the brightest times because they can be the turning point to the most wonderful experiences that you are about to have!
The future is bright take the first step! Join me and start living!!